“Comparison is the thief of all happiness,” says former NFL star Joe Ehrmann in denouncing the pressures on boys to “be a man,” in the film The Mask You Live In.* Messages overt and covert from fathers down to video games leave males of all ages struggling with loneliness and fury. Similar pressures, certainly, weigh on females and most other human groups. Comparing ourselves to others haunts and hurts us all.
But there’s a catch: Comparison brings pleasure as well as pain. In How the Mind Works, psychologist Stephen Pinker concurs with the popular wisdom that “people are happy when they feel better off than their neighbors, unhappy when they feel worse off….You open your paycheck and are delighted to find you have been given a five percent raise—until you learn that your co-workers have been given a ten percent raise.” Happiness often lasts no longer than the tingle of the flattering comparison that brought it on.
So it bothers me when people trumpet happiness as the self-evident goal of life itself. They talk of happiness as the normal state that people can pursue, find, and remain in, as if it were a job or a house. “Are you happy?” can be an inquiry into flaws or failures. I remember my surprise decades ago when a friend casually mentioned that perhaps happiness is not the goal of life. The possibility had never occurred to me.
We can look elsewhere, beyond comparison, for the roots of happiness and distress. Separating the two meanings of happiness is a useful step. One meaning is calm satisfaction, as in “Are you happy with your life so far?” The other is the emotional flush of joy or excitement, as in “happy dance.” Another direction is the practice of mindfulness, a path to contentment and joy that does not depend on comparison to others.
For me, the evolutionary perspective is also enlightening. If unhappiness comes in so many ways while happiness remains so elusive, a reason may be that for any organism, many more things can go dangerously wrong than can go blissfully right. Pinker: “There are twice as many negative emotions (fear, grief, anxiety, and so on) as positive ones, and losses are more keenly felt than equivalent gains….[P]eople’s mood plummets more when imagining a loss in their lives…than it rises when imagining an equivalent gain….[H]appiness tracks the effect of resources on biological fitness. As things get better, increases in fitness show diminishing returns: more food is better, but only up to a point. But as things get worse, decreases in fitness can take you out of the game: not enough food, and you’re dead” (392).
So it’s not that happiness eludes us soley because comparisons steal it or we are incapable of finding it. It’s that we come into life in the first place equipped with alarm bells for all the gritty dangers and with only a selection of pleasures.
*Teddy Roosevelt is credited with the original version: “Comparison is the thief of joy.”